Being Special

Earlier this year, I clipped an item from the San Francisco Chronicle about a 94-year-old woman who had just earned herself a college degree. (Click here to read it.) I love collecting stories about elders—especially female elders—who, like this woman, defy our culture’s stereotypes about aging and what it is possible to do when you are old. Such stories give us all a boost, reminding us that many of what we see as the limitations that come with old age exist only in our minds. In fact, research has shown that our beliefs about what it is like to get old are the major determinant of our experience of aging. If we believe that decrepitude will set in rapidly once we pass a certain age, then it most probably will.

A lot depends on our role models, especially our early ones. In the village where I spend the latter half of my childhood, no-one ever thought it strange that our 82-year-old neighbour still cycled everywhere. And since my own great-grandfather was bright and active well past 90 it never occurred to me, as a child, that anyone in their 80s and 90s would not be leading a full and active life. So stories in the newspaper, like this one, are a good way of reminding us that our limitations are to a huge extent self-fulfilling prophecies.  But there is another side to it also. In fact there are at least two other sides to it. People do get sick. Genetic inheritances are by no means equal. Some people die young. Accidents happen. Dementia happens. So when we make a big song and dance about someone who is still climbing mountains at 85,

Secondly, are we raising the bar of expectations so high that all those elders whose achievements are less newsworthy feel a sense of failure and all those younger people whose parents are now feeble and dependent feel sad or even resentful?

By singling some people out for praise and adulation because of their late-life achievements are  we perpetuating the ‘celebrity culture’ that is so prevalent today, in which some people are seen as ‘special’ and being ordinary has no value any more? Should we not, in elderhood, have moved beyond the rampant competitiveness that has already blighted Western, consumer society so badly?  My favourite spiritual teacher often used to tell people “Delete the need to be special.” For nobody is really special. Or, more accurately, we are all special, each in our own unique way. There are no duplicates. It is our egoic striving to be ‘better than’ other people—smarter, wiser, richer, fitter, prettier—that causes most of the problems in human relationships.

So there are really no ‘right’ answers. We need stories like this because they inspire us. They break down our stereotypes, encourage us to live our old age fully and remind us not to impose restrictions on our dreams and ambitions. We need to be inspired by people who, by  going to the limits of their abilities, are keeping their muscles strong, their bodies fit and healthy and their minds stretched. Because that encourages us. It helps us to remember that we create our own reality. Yet at the same time these people are really no more ‘special’ than anyone else. Everybody, regardless of his or her achievements, is unique and special and needs to be loved, valued and celebrated. 

It is one of the many paradoxes within which we live.

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The state of New Mexico advertises itself as the “land of enchantment,” and it is breathtaking.  However, when you add the beauty, humor, fellowship, and energy of 130 women embracing life at whatever age, a spell was definitely cast at the Eighteenth International Crones Counsel gathering in Albuquerque. 

From the opening ritual dramatizing the Native America myth of Grandmother Spider to the closing ceremony, the theme of Weaving interlaced everyone’s hearts and minds. 

 The first thread was the daily Storytelling Hour.  Women from New York to California, got up on the stage to share their stories.  Sad tales of abuse needing healing.  Compelling stories of loss and recovery.  Inspirational stories of fear conquered. All powerful and liberating stories of the suffering, courage, and joys of being a woman.  If the speaker wanted a standing ovation, all she had to do was ask and the audience exploded with clapping and cheering.  What a joyous noise we women make!

Another thread is the “Honoring the Elders” event that set the tone for the next three days.  Everyone over eighty years old was on the stage being acknowledged for the simple act of growing old.  Each woman shared her hard-won wisdom in a short statement of advice or insight. Afterwards, they were given the best seats, were first in line for meals and the Give Away Table, and were generally revered and cared for by friends and strangers alike. 

 These two traditions plus so many others, such as interesting afternoon workshops; supporting Crone Circles; the touching Empty Chair to honor deceased friends; the hilarious Crone Follies; and lots of laughing, singing and drumming, comprise the annual Crones Counsel gatherings, which started in 1993. The yearly gatherings are planned by local groups and held at different locations usually in the western United States although last year’s event was in Atlanta, Georgia. Portland, Oregon has been selected for October 12 -16, 2011.

The gatherings further the organization’s mission: to promote equality, encourage diversity, support personal empowerment, and honor older women’s wisdom and accomplishments.  The term "Crone" was deliberately chosen, in spite of its negative cultural connotations, to confront the stereotypes and challenges facing aging women. The name “Crones Counsel” was chosen over “Crones Council” to reflect the intention of creating a place where older women could share their histories and counsel with each other. 

            I left the gathering feeling quite energized at sixty-four, eagerly anticipating the opportunities ahead, and appreciating the awesome wisdom of older women.  By assuming the mantle of Crone, we are reclaiming the archetype of the Wise Woman in a youth-centric culture. 

Grandmother Spider was indeed very active at Crones Counsel XVIII, weaving a strong web of love, support, fun, and optimism, so each participate could take home a strand to connect others to Crone Consciousness. 

	Berta Parrish is the author of Wise Woman’s Way: A Guide for Growing Older with Purpose and Passion (www.wisewomansquest.com).   For more informational on Crones Counsel visit http://www.cronescounsel.org/.

 REPORTS/NEWS/BITS AND PIECES

 Offline Reading

'Crone' Magazine keeps getting better and better.  I enjoyed Issue #3 even more than I enjoyed the  previous two.   If you haven't subscribed yet, I hope you do soon.  Crone Issues #1 and #2 are sold out in the  printed  edition, but available as a PDF-eZine  download for your reader or computer. The printed  version of Crone issue #3 was mailed to all  subscribers on July 9 and copies of printed or  PDF-eZine versions are available now. New  subscriptions (both in print and eZine formats)  will begin with issue #3.

Online Reading

I know I have mentioned this before, but we have so many new subscribers this year that I felt it worth saying again. If you are interested in social research into all aspects of aging, sign up for the free, e-zine called The Positive Aging Newsletter

Edited by Kenneth and Mary Gergen, this is one of the regular newsletters put out by the Taos Institute—a community of scholars and practitioners concerned with the social processes essential for the construction of reason, knowledge, and human value. With an office in Chagrin Falls, Ohio (USA) this organization offers  conferences, workshops, publications, a PhD program, a distance learning program, newsletters, and web-based offerings. Working at the interface between the scholarly community and societal practitioners from communities of mental health, social work, counseling, organizational change, education, community building, gerontology and medicine, they develop and explore the ways in which scholarly research can enrich professional practices, and practices can stimulate scholarly inquiry.

 Another e-zine I enjoy—and one that long-time readers will have noticed that I often ‘borrow’ from—is Emily Kimball’s ‘Make it Happen’ newsletter.
Emily, now 79, calls herself 'The Aging Adventurer. '
And an adventurer she certainly is. Last month, her latest adventure—hiking the first hundred miles or so of one of England’s most challenging long-distance paths—brought her right past my door. Well, within two miles of it anyway. Although Emily and I have been Internet friends for many years, we had never met face to face until a few weeks ago. So read on for the story and pictures of our meeting on the clifftops…

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Walking with Emily

Most days, I walk a few miles. But last week, an elderwoman I have known through the Internet for many years but never met face to face turned up in one of my regular walking places. Emily, along with her younger friend and walking companion Barbara, had been making their way along the first few sections of Britain's longest (at 631 miles) hiking trail, the beautiful South West Coast Path. These were sections I had walked myself (click here to read my blog posts about one of those walks) so I knew what glorious scenery they would have enjoyed on the way here. But I was also aware of how challenging the route can be, even for younger folk, with all its ups and downs. And these two adventurers, who had come all the way from Richmond VA, were carrying everything on their backs. 

But at our pre-arranged meeting spot, there was Emily, with a smile on her face.

 It always amazes me, when I eventually get to meet someone I have previously known only in cyberspace, how familar they feel. It was as though I had been friends with Emily for ever.

I showed them the place, not far from here, where you can see how some mighty tectonic plates have crashed together, aeons ago. A truly amazing sight. Geological students are often brought to this spot on field trips.

That afternoon, I waved the two intrepid walkers off as they started on the next leg of their adventure. It had been a delightful meeting. They said if ever I am down their way, they will take me walking in their woods. I might just take them up on that one day!